This is an old picture of me at my heaviest.
A year ago, I weighed 100 pounds more than I currently do. Before I knew I was sick, I was pretty excited about the weight loss. I thought I'd lost the weight because I stopped drinking soda and cut my portion sizes, which I'm sure is part of it. With hindsight, I know a lot of it was because of cancer. I was getting compliments from people at church and work, asking what my secret was. Come April and May, I was losing too much and knew something other than the few changes I'd made was going on. I felt awkward responding about my weight loss. I had been throwing up several times a day and hardly ever felt like eating because I knew it'd come back. It wasn't my fault. I definitely didn't do it on purpose.
At the beginning of last year, I did make those changes. I did really feel like something about 2010 was going to be different as far as my weight goes. I felt like part of my attitude had change and that I really could do it. Little did I know....
The further the year progressed, the more weight my body seemed to lose track of. Where is it going?! As I started my treatments for my cancer, my nausea got worse. I'm still struggling with it, but I almost stopped eating altogether. I'm down to one meal a day.. usually at night when my sister is home to cook for me. I decided recently to change that. I'm eating a meal a little earlier, like midday, and then I'll have a little something later on. I also have been drinking milk like crazy. My body and tastebuds are craving it like mad.
When most people lose weight, their body changes. I've gown down 5 pant sizes, (that's 10 digits)and like several shirt sizes as well. I still can't really believe the size of pants I wear. They look too small. This may sound weird again, but I was looking at my body today thinking how much it has, and hasn't, changed. My weight loss, yes, has been fat loss, but a huge chunk of it has also been muscle loss. I've been nauseated, tired, fatigued really, short of breath, ill, and depressed. All of these factors have lead to me basically sitting and lying around all the time. That's unfortunately become my life for almost the last 5 months.
In the Gospel Principles manual, lesson 27 is on work and responsibility. I was reading through it the other day, preparing for this next Sunday's lesson, and I came across something that struck a chord with me. "We should each find the proper balance between work, recreation, and rest. 'Doing nothing is the hardest work of all, because one can never stop to rest.' Without work, rest and relaxation have no meaning." I haven't been sleeping well. I've been having a bit of insomnia and reading that helped me see that because all I do is rest all day, my body is finding it hard to rest at night. Also, I need to find something to tie into the work and recreation balance of life. I definitely have the rest part down.
The way I look right now is ... ok but not ideal. I can tell where I can be, and that's exciting, but I know I have a long way to go to change lots of stuff. I watch weight loss shows, I'll admit. Biggest Loser has been a favorite of mine for a few years now, although certain dialogue on the show has me wearing thin. MTV just started a series called "I used to be fat" and I've watched that. It documents just graduated seniors and how they spend their summer before college working with a trainer to lose weight. A & E just premiered a series called "Heavy" and they've only had one episode but it's interesting. All three of these shows have the same dialogue. It seems all the contestants, or documentaries feel that the reason they "are fat" is because food made them feel good. The cameras always show the people putting greasy foods in their mouths. This is not my problem. I can go weeks without eating sweets or fast food. My problem is the exercise. Getting up and doing it.
Pain is weakness leaving the body. We've all heard that before, right? Pain definitely can't stop me. When Vlad is mad, I know it's because the drugs are killing and shrinking him. The other day during my shower (where I can usually have issues) I decided to push past it all, even though I didn't feel I could go on. I felt strengthened after that and decided no matter how crappy I'm feeling, to just keep going forward with the task at hand.
So, with that in mind, I've decided to do what I can while I'm still sick, making my body healthier. Then once I'm better, I can do my best to get this remaining weight off and strengthen my body. I started today by using the shake weight.
This is literally me today. Big difference hu?
Basically, I'm gonna have an awesome scar soon and need to look good so I can show it off. :)
