Before the main event....

So I don't have much to update you on as far as my cancer story goes, but I do have something.

I went to the doctor yesterday to hear the results of my tests from Tuesday. To be honest, what he told me was a little underwhelming compared to all the anxiety and build up I had prior to getting the tests. He told me that my tumors had between 5 and 10% more shrinkage. That's not much, but it's at least an improvement. There was just a tiny bit of cell death to go along with it, but nothing remarkable really in any way. That's it. That's like all he told me. My dad was asking a ton of questions to reassure himself of everything, but we already knew all the answers. He'd asked them all before. My mom was actually there too and she just sat quietly, never even said a word. It was a little weird, but my dad was talking so much I'm surprised Dr. Tykodi even got his answers in.

So, here's the game plan. On Monday I go to the University of Washington Prostate Center (Yes, you read that correctly. They lump Kidney stuff in that department, which makes it awkward for young females such as myself.... especially walking in with my 55 yr old father, who I'm sure everyone would assume was the reason for our presence.) and I meet with Dr. Lin, who I've met once before. He is my surgeon. He's going to go over my scans and discuss his opinion about the surgery. There are so many ways this could all go and so many questions that I have.

For the most part though, it is sounding likely that in the next 2-3 weeks I'll be going in for surgery. Even though the idea of surgery is kinda making me freak out, I hope it is sooner rather than later. I am so ready to get this cancer out of me and move on with my life. Yes, I understand that I'll have to basically watch over my shoulder the rest of my life in case the cancer comes back, but this initial cancer, I want gone. I want to get a job and be independent again.

One cool thing though is that it is for certain I am no longer getting infusions of Avastin. It needs to be out of my system for when I have surgery because it makes it harder for the healing process to work. Also, after surgery, it is going to have no effect on my recovery, it'll be useless. I have a few more doses of Interferon to take, but I'm just about done taking that too. Again, I'll find out more from Dr. Lin on Monday.


On another note, I'm excited because the depression that cancer, and the drugs for cancer, brings has decided to hit the road. Perhaps not for good, but it feels different this time. When you discover you have cancer, your emotions are out of control. They can go in any direction. I have felt and have heard of a complicated array of emotions people go through. Everything takes a toll. Personal worth, spirituality, personal relationships, hygiene, dreams and aspirations. It completely affects every aspect of ones life. It is weird because I am the type of person who emotionally and intellectually has everything under control all the time. I'm a very sensible and practical person.

For a while right after I was diagnosed, I didn't feel much of a difference. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to be feeling having found out I had cancer. I was practical like always and had thoughts such as "Well, the doctors know what they are doing, it seems manageable, after just a bit of time, I'll be alright, no need to worry." This is kind of my approach to life in general. I don't get stressed or freak out about anything. Nothing I can't handle. Perhaps it's my faith in God, knowing that He is in control and since He loves me, no matter what happens, I'll be alright. Some days if I was feeling well enough, I had forgotten I had cancer. That is until someone else brought it up.

After a few months or so, especially after I started treatment, depression hit pretty hard. All those things I mentioned earlier felt like they came at once and they have stuck around. I won't go into the grisly details, but I've made things seem peppy on here. Even my sister who I share a room with probably wasn't aware really how bad it all was. Now, I won't say it's completely behind me, I've always struggled with it, but today feels like a new start. I don't know if it had to do with the sun shining so brightly today or what, but it is so welcome and I love it.

I'm excited to be motivated to do stuff and that I feel better about myself. I'm also excited that soon I'll be physically feeling well enough to do a LOT more stuff. Just a few weeks until the surgery, and then a month or so after that and I'll be as good as new!!

I'll definitely post again after I find things out Monday morning. Stay tuned!