Cancer, interesting.

It's interesting, cancer. One day you know nothing about it, except that there are people that have it, races for cures, and lots of research into finding out more. The next day, you find out you have it.

But guess what? You still know nothing! Everything is vague, you don't know if you should be scared or just be patient to see just how serious everything is before you decide to worry. Nope-you still have no clue about when that should be. So, you go to doctors appointments, you do as they say and smile and nod at crazy words being thrown around. The next thing you know, everyone is asking about you, or asking how you are doing. How should I know? My doctor doesn't even know. Am I supposed to be scared yet? At all?

People are coming out of the wood-works, others are disappearing. How do you deal with this social disturbance? You start feeling funny because you're repeating yourself over and over, saying half truths, giving reassurance--for their sake, or your own?

You feel good for a little while, because you're doing lazy stuff--playing on the computer, watching movies and tv a lot, reading books. Everyone is doing things for you. Making you meals, doing all the chores, chauffering you around. It's a prideful high. But then it gets old.

You realize your independence is gone. The others are doing this for you, yes because they love you, but also because you can't do it yourself. Well, why the heck not? So, you get up, try to make a meal, simple, but you're trying it yourself. Ope, no luck. You have to sit down halfway through because you're worn out and you just might lose your lunch before even getting to eat it. Alright, you muster more strength to finish and you sit down to eat, completely wiped out. Aha! But I've made myself food. I can still do something for myself. Eat that, fools. Ugh. This smells weird. Blech. Doesn't even taste great. Meh. At least it's something to eat. Uh-oh, I'm about to revisit it.


You find the little things to do, like laundry. Maybe you don't fold it and put it away, you don't even hang it up. But, it's nice to have clean clothes available. All you have to do it put it in the wash and hit start. That's easy. Crud, forgot about lifting the laundry basket. Hmmmm, I'll try kicking it across the floor with my foot. My bedroom to the washer isn't that far. Uergh. I'm retarded. How is lifting some clothes a few inches into the wash making me sweat? Finally, it is done. I'll go sit on the couch for a while as it washes. The next thing you know, it's been three hours. You think, oh shoot, I need to switch that over to the dryer. But I am not ready to get up, I feel exhausted. In a little bit, I'll do it. Whoops, it's been an hour. K, I can finally do it. So, you get up, switch it over. The  next day, you realize someone put your clothes in your basket and back in your room because they had to wash clothes. Dang, part of that independence is gone again. What's the point even? Clean clothes? The only place I go is doctors appointments. So, you let it all pile up again for a really long time.

You start missing your old life. All of the things you used to enjoy, the people you used to see and talk to. So you make plans and figure out what things you can do. The only problem is, you forget a few minutes later that you had thought of some things. Perhaps you should have written it down. Wait, write what down? What was I thinking about? Mmmm, probably sleep. Yeah I should sleep. That sounds good.

When you wake up, it takes about a half hour for your brain to be full aware that it is capable of thinking coherent things, sort of. What is life about? Why are you only observing it and it seems others are out living it? Oh yeah, cancer. Huh, strange, I forgot I had cancer. What does that mean though? Why should cancer make me stop living my life? Hmmmm I'm bored, I should go make something to eat....wait, need to make a trip to the bathroom first, again....

Cancer, it's an interesting thing.