How are you doing?

As I have talked with friends and acquaintances lately, I've seen a common thread in our discussions. They of course want to know "how I am doing."

This becomes a difficult answer for me. I have always been someone who is very open. And I like to be truthful. If someone asks, "how are you?" I can't just reply, "great!" if I am in fact feeling miserable. So, how am I to respond? Do I go into any detail that our greeting time will allow or do I shrug off the facts and seriously downplay how things are?

Most of the time, I just downplay everything. It seems that the majority of people want to hear only happy positive news, anyway.

As I have been coming more active in my role as an advocate, I find that I want to display the lingering affects of cancer, both physical and mental, in a truthful and informative light.

So, how am I, you ask?

According to recent tests and doctors visits: GREAT! Couldn't be happier about not seeing any signs of cancerous cells. Everything is still clear and A O.K.

Aside from that however, the tale is a bit more grim. Not depressing, but still not shiny happy.

Number one being that I have chemo brain. Boy do I have it! Chemo brain is a real thing. It's not an excuse to pull out the cancer card, but I certainly DO use it! My concentration and ability to multitask or have more than one train of thought going at once-gone. Does not exist. Sometimes I will just completely have a blank stare on my face trying to grasp a hold of the thread of a thought, desperately clinging to it as it wisps away.

With chemo brain, I also have lost a lot of memory. I completely forget about conversations or tasks until far far after the fact when having forgotten about it has now become a problem. It's really hard. I'm working on it. Also, a lot of non-pivotal moments from my own history have gone away to the wastelands as well... I can't remember a random night years ago or even someones face sometimes.

Another lingering affect from cancer would be my left side. I still get pangs of pain in my ribs where they had to remove some during my surgery. Coughing can still be painful. Not to mention, my left arm/shoulder is still really weak. I've been lifting weights and going to a gym for quite some time now, but my left side still can't carry that much weight. I'm lopsided. My right side didn't weaken as much as my left but it has recovered much stronger than the left. There are times when I have to use my right arm to lift up my left.

My hair is a more trivial concern, but it still is a lingering affect. It has been growing SO slowly. And now my hair is extra thick near the top but not on the ends. It makes me look like a mushroom head. Not to mention, this new hair is kinkier and coarser. It frizzes really easily. So, I have to brush my hair more frequently and longer just to smooth it out. Kind of a pain.

Aside from those physical things, there is a lot of mental repercussions from having had cancer.

Any lingering cough, twinge of back pain, oddly colored bodily fluid.... This starts messing with your brain. You think, "could this be?" You know you're most likely being irrational, but then again....

Not to mention that I've been struggling with my diet and exercise. I'm pretty positive by this point that my weight and diet were the cause of my cancer. It is so fundamentally important that I lose weight and eat healthy. However, this has been, and always has been, a giant struggle for me. I know a lot of stuff. I've studied and consulted over and over again on proper diet and exercise. And yet? I still can't get the hang of it. Curbing 27 years of bad habits is extremely hard. This weighs on me every day. Every cookie I eat, the back of my mind says, "cancer recurrence" and yet I still eat it....

Since I went to OMG!, I have conversed more with cancer survivors than ever before. I LOVE IT! It's so great feeling normal and having that support system. However, that also comes with consequences. I have friends who are being diagnosed with second cancers, who are still ongoing treatments and struggling with their own battles. It keeps possibilities of recurrence near the forefront of my brain more than anyone might think.

And to really top it all off, my stress from financial burdens, which will never end, ever, has gotten exponentially high. I will be having frequent tests for the rest of my life. Already the bills are piling up without me knowing a way to resolve it any time soon.

To end this long blog post, I just want to say that I hope this helps you understand how the cancer specific question of "how are you doing?" is no easy answer ever. But even among a high volume of ever increasing concern, I can say this: Life is good. I am on to bigger and better things and am striving every day to take control of my life to mold it into the experience I've always wanted to have.