Forgetting, cringing and unbelieving

I haven't really thought out a post but have been feeling compelled for some time to at least write something. It's difficult to explain how cancer takes up my thoughts all of the time and yet I seem to "forget" about it so frequently. It's especially difficult to handle the moments of "forgetfulness" when I have friends still really active in their fight. On a message board I'm a member of (not cancer related) every single day there is at least one thread made where someone is asking for prayers, good vibes and hugs because someone they love has been diagnosed, is struggling or has died from cancer. I swear, it is everyday. I can think of at least 3 that I read about today. It's moments like this that I chastise myself for not remembering all I've fought for and when I feel almost guilty that things were as easy as they were for me. Things could have been MUCH much worse. So much worse. I need to tell myself that I must never forget the lessons I learned along the way.

I am horrible at doing any type of research online. As good as Google or Bing may be, it's still hard to find exactly what I am looking for. I've been having quite a bit of pain associated with my rib on the left side. For those who don't remember, they had to remove a bit of a rib during my surgery in order to get in to where they needed. It was excruciating right after surgery and has been uncomfortable ever since. That was 14 months ago. (Whoa!! That flew by.) Sometimes, I feel like my rib is popping? I'm not sure. But my left arm has also still been super weak. I wish I could ask my doctor or surgeon about all this, but I'm not sure how to go about that. I'm nervous that talking to my doctor AT ALL will slam me with a bill.

In March, I had what I was pretty positive was a sinus infection and I knew I needed antibiotics. I went to the doctor (not my onc., just a regular ol' doctor) and he barely even looked at me and confirmed what I already knew. He prescribed me some meds, and I went on my way. Well, I got a bill a little while later saying I owed $220. I noticed my insurance was never billed. So, they billed the insurance and I just got my portion of the bill....... $190! What? They only paid for $30 of a routine doctors visit?

This is just the beginning of it all though. My scans back in March were roughly $7,000. After insurance, I still owe a little over $5,500. I can't believe it. I called SCCA and asked them what to do. The guy said I could make payments on it, but it has to be paid off within 24 months. That's AT MINIMUM $220 a month! Well, let's think about this for a minute. I have more scans in September, which won't be covered by insurance at all, so $7,000. So we're looking at $512ish dollars a month starting in September. And then my scans next March I'd have to add another on there, so basically a year from now, $732 a month.... and then the next one in September (again not covered at all by insurance), making the grand total a month, for basically forever: $1020 (at minimum) A MONTH.

This just doesn't seem right. I don't know what to do. I don't know how health insurance is for others or how it works at all, but this makes no sense to me. How am I supposed to afford that? There must be some kind of assistance out there. My student loans are extended well beyond two years to pay back, why not medical bills? Those are MUCH higher than education.

Just looking at my looming medical debt, I get really worried-especially since I want to get into more debt with grad school. I don't know.

So really, this is where I stand with cancer right now. It has ruined me financially. Awesome.....