Fed Up on Facebook

The other day, after my last blog post, I went on to read some articles that I thought were honestly pretty good.  The thing that really worked me up though was the comments section. I decided I couldn't continue without saying something. I took to facebook and it sort of turned into a rant, but I found that I had many people who were feeling the same way. I doubt I have any readers here that aren't on my facebook, but I will repost it here.

*takes deep breath*

Ok, here goes.

The world is getting more divided every day. People are becoming more passionate about things and through mediums such as social media being so readily accessible in society, they're being more vocal about their opinions. I've got one certain thing on my mind and it's becoming more of an issue than ever before. I'm just going to be blunt.

Fat chicks in the media.

I swear, every day, there is the same issue about Melissa McCarthy or Rebel Wilson being "fat chicks for comic relief...that aren't even that funny." Or "my gosh, Kelly Clarkson is so fat now, it's disgusting." Or even Tess (Munster) Holliday is just horrible and doesn't deserve to be a model.

That's just the tip of it. If you read the comments of any facebook post, or the comments section to the article I have posted here, you'll see something that is really really wrong.

I'm here to break the news to some of you.

FAT PEOPLE EXIST! FAT PEOPLE ARE NOT HERE TO BE YOUR HEALTH ROLE MODELS. FAT PEOPLE DESERVE RESPECT JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER PERSON ON THIS *@$% PLANET!

I read these comments and for the most part I can just scroll by the ignorance, roll my eyes at the truly distasteful, but some just baffle me with the pure contempt that anyone who isn't THEIR IDEA of the perfect body should choose to have a career in the limelight or, heaven forbid, wear clothing. Seriously. Do we not get to wear clothes? If there weren't plus-sized models showing plus-sized clothing, then guess what? All us plus-sized people would be walking around naked, which clearly is the exact opposite of what most these blowhards actually want. 

Yes, I'm a bit upset but that's because I'm sick and freaking tired of it. Don't you ever dare to judge just by LOOKING at me (or anyone else!) that you know my current health, my health history, my eating habits, or my exercise habits. You have no idea why I look the way I do and frankly, it should be of NO CONCERN of yours. None! Seriously, it does not. 

By existing and being happy with who I am DOES NOT mean I am "promoting an unhealthy lifestyle" or encouraging people to gain weight to look like me. Hell no! I want everyone to be the healthiest and strongest they can be. I don't judge anyone by their size or looks, just as I don't judge them by their race, color, religion, sexual identity, socioeconomic status or anything else! Take one look at my friends list on facebook (which is my in-real-life friends list, too) and you will see that I am all accepting. I really don't care! As long as you're a kind, honest and non-judgmental person, we get along.

I shudder to think that anyone in my list of friends or family would ever make such comments about anyone who is overweight or obese KNOWING that I am in their life. Do these people commenting on all these articles or pictures not have ONE FRIEND ONE FAMILY MEMBER who is bigger than society's standards allow? I highly highly doubt that. How disrespectful and woefully ignorant they must be to their loved ones. 

I have issues. Most definitely. Am I in top physical health? No! Does this mean that I should hide away, apparently naked, not letting "impressionable youth" get swept up in "fat flaunting", until I'm in pristine health and the "optimum size"? Child, please. Of course not. 

I have been doing my dammedest for at least 12 years to eat right, exercise and live up to what everyone else says I should be. Guess what? All that shaming HASN'T BEEN WORKING! I find myself to be one of the fortunate ones that didn't commit suicide from having been bullied her whole life. I find myself fortunate because I was in perfect health until I got cancer. I feel fortunate because I survived that and can make changes, to the best of my knowledge, to get as healthy as I can.

After having gone to multiple doctors over the course of the last 9 or so months with this blasted gallbladder issue, I know exactly where my health is. Do you know how healthy YOU are?

Hey "not visually obviously overweight person hiding behind a keyboard", When was the last time you got a complete checkup at the doctor? Hmmm? Quit being a keyboard warrior and do yourself a breast or ball check, just to make sure.

Fat people exist, ok? Quit looking at someone elses mote while you've got a whole beam.

I don't care about your looks, but I do have one thing to say about them....That Judgmental Attitude doesn't look good on you.

#BodyPositivity #EffYourBeautyStandards #PositivelyPlusSize

http://www.businessinsider.com/tess-holliday-people-cover-plus-size-model-with-tattoos-2015-5

I found and do find it to be quite interesting that even though I have so many distorted views about my own body and that I'm still trying to figure out how to love myself (a la my last post), I can be so bold and outspoken about important matters like this. I do have a strong position on body positivity and will defend the right to be happy even though I'm obese. I don't want to call it a "fake it til you make it" because that's not what's going on. I just have part of the puzzle down and am working on the rest of it.

I plan to continue this outspoken nature and doing research as well.  It may be the very thing that gives me the directions to my missing puzzle pieces.

Mallory Fights Back 2.0

I've been itching to do more writing for quite some time. I kept using graduate school as an excuse, but really, who was I kidding? My focus was hardly on school at all, despite making it through and getting decent grades. Now, I'm not completely done with school just yet, but I do have, somehow, less of a demand on my plate.

I've decided to take this time to continue my quest in not only reinventing myself, but discovering just really who I am. The last several years I've gone through a lot physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially. Pretty much any "ally" you can think of, I've gone through it. I can't say I'm the same person I used to be. In some regards, that's a really good thing. I have grown. I have matured. In other ways, it has not been so great. There are pieces of me that are broken. Perhaps they've been that way for a really long time, of this I am unsure. But I feel like now is the time in my life to really put myself together, and not with any temporary fixes, either.

This blog has gone through several focus changes. When I was going through cancer, I rebranded it as "Mallory Fights Back" because it seemed so fitting to the determination I had to defeat cancer. Thankfully, I did! It has been a little over 4 years and the outcome remains the same. *sigh of relief*

As I make this new shift in fixing the broken parts of me, I realize I don't have to rebrand again. I -am- still fighting back. I have that determination in me still and in some ways, that will is getting stronger and louder. This time however, my enemy has changed faces. No longer do I stare at the barrel of a gun being held by Vlad. This time it is more subtle, less of an obvious threat, decievingly unalarming.

My foe is me.

I'm looking in the mirror and for once, I'm peeling back the layers, I'm cleaning the glass. I'm facing what's right in front of me and changing what needs to be changed, accepting what is, and loving who I am.

I have been sunk in a deep depression for a long time. I had it before cancer (B.C.) but it's like once that got inside me, the depression metastasized and has been eating away at me ever since. Because of that, I've gone through a lot of awful self-talk and have tore myself down, worn myself down and become so raw, it hurts to even move in the right direction. (And clearly I'm not shy of working the metaphor angle.)

There are many things I need to change and I'll probably start to blog about all of them at one point or another, but today what really got me motivated to finally open this page and start to write a new post was just one thought.

"Why do you hate your body so much? Sure, you're effected by society and the media, but only to a very small degree. Most of that doesn't bother you. So what is it really that makes you not happy with yourself? Think about it this way...YOU BEAT CANCER! Your body did what it could to fight off something so vile and evil and it won! Your body went through hell and back and it has continued to be a functioning blessing for you! Be happy with your body for it is doing what it can to make and keep you healthy."

That was...more or less what I was thinking about. It truly is impressive what body has been able to handle with all that life has thrown at it. I've been trying ever since I got rid of Vlad to exercise and eat right. No. I'm not perfect. But I've learned a ton in the last 4 years. That being said, I've gained an incredible amount of weight and have seen little to no change in the last two years. Given other factors in my life, it has not been easy and has contributed to making a few things, mostly psychological, even worse.

As I said, my self talk has been pretty brutal. But I want to change that. I think the best way for me to lose weight, gain strength and improve my health (physically) is to work on the mental health a bit more first. Perhaps the key to healthy weight loss is really, truly, loving myself and being comfortable and accepting with who I am. I honestly have no idea how to do it and am terrified as to how long that could take, but I'm tired. I've tried just about everything else and if I can achieve this body positivity, I see no negative repercussions that can come from it.

So stick around. I'll be blogging about this journey, whether with updates or just more of my rambling thoughts, and hopefully success and change will be how I fight back.