Mallory Fights Back 2.0

I've been itching to do more writing for quite some time. I kept using graduate school as an excuse, but really, who was I kidding? My focus was hardly on school at all, despite making it through and getting decent grades. Now, I'm not completely done with school just yet, but I do have, somehow, less of a demand on my plate.

I've decided to take this time to continue my quest in not only reinventing myself, but discovering just really who I am. The last several years I've gone through a lot physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially. Pretty much any "ally" you can think of, I've gone through it. I can't say I'm the same person I used to be. In some regards, that's a really good thing. I have grown. I have matured. In other ways, it has not been so great. There are pieces of me that are broken. Perhaps they've been that way for a really long time, of this I am unsure. But I feel like now is the time in my life to really put myself together, and not with any temporary fixes, either.

This blog has gone through several focus changes. When I was going through cancer, I rebranded it as "Mallory Fights Back" because it seemed so fitting to the determination I had to defeat cancer. Thankfully, I did! It has been a little over 4 years and the outcome remains the same. *sigh of relief*

As I make this new shift in fixing the broken parts of me, I realize I don't have to rebrand again. I -am- still fighting back. I have that determination in me still and in some ways, that will is getting stronger and louder. This time however, my enemy has changed faces. No longer do I stare at the barrel of a gun being held by Vlad. This time it is more subtle, less of an obvious threat, decievingly unalarming.

My foe is me.

I'm looking in the mirror and for once, I'm peeling back the layers, I'm cleaning the glass. I'm facing what's right in front of me and changing what needs to be changed, accepting what is, and loving who I am.

I have been sunk in a deep depression for a long time. I had it before cancer (B.C.) but it's like once that got inside me, the depression metastasized and has been eating away at me ever since. Because of that, I've gone through a lot of awful self-talk and have tore myself down, worn myself down and become so raw, it hurts to even move in the right direction. (And clearly I'm not shy of working the metaphor angle.)

There are many things I need to change and I'll probably start to blog about all of them at one point or another, but today what really got me motivated to finally open this page and start to write a new post was just one thought.

"Why do you hate your body so much? Sure, you're effected by society and the media, but only to a very small degree. Most of that doesn't bother you. So what is it really that makes you not happy with yourself? Think about it this way...YOU BEAT CANCER! Your body did what it could to fight off something so vile and evil and it won! Your body went through hell and back and it has continued to be a functioning blessing for you! Be happy with your body for it is doing what it can to make and keep you healthy."

That was...more or less what I was thinking about. It truly is impressive what body has been able to handle with all that life has thrown at it. I've been trying ever since I got rid of Vlad to exercise and eat right. No. I'm not perfect. But I've learned a ton in the last 4 years. That being said, I've gained an incredible amount of weight and have seen little to no change in the last two years. Given other factors in my life, it has not been easy and has contributed to making a few things, mostly psychological, even worse.

As I said, my self talk has been pretty brutal. But I want to change that. I think the best way for me to lose weight, gain strength and improve my health (physically) is to work on the mental health a bit more first. Perhaps the key to healthy weight loss is really, truly, loving myself and being comfortable and accepting with who I am. I honestly have no idea how to do it and am terrified as to how long that could take, but I'm tired. I've tried just about everything else and if I can achieve this body positivity, I see no negative repercussions that can come from it.

So stick around. I'll be blogging about this journey, whether with updates or just more of my rambling thoughts, and hopefully success and change will be how I fight back.